Living large in Fatopia.

Posts tagged ‘funny’

So They Found Water On Mars

NASA proudly announced that they have found water on Mars. This means that there could possibly be life of some sort on the planet. But you know the government, always trying to make something work to their advantage. I read that they are going so far as to consider letting astronauts use the water they’ve found to drink and to mix up jet propulsion fuel for the return trip home.

I can see it now. Three or four male astronauts, Let’s face it. We know they’re not going to send a woman along on the first ride to Mars,  in their space suits standing around a trickle of water about as big as a match stem, discussing how they’re going to catch it and who is going to stay outside long enough to collect enough water for this magic recipe. Since I’m sure the astronauts in question will be married with families of their own, none of them are going to know how to cook anything.

 

water01Suddenly, out of nowhere comes an empty water bottle left over from lunch because the shuttle is going to be a real mess without a woman’s touch. Then some poor sucker gets to stand out there in their white space suit for days and nights trying to catch the needed water only to give up and go back to the mother ship to use the potty. Everyone knows the surest way to get someone to pee if they can’t is to turn on a faucet close by. Works like a charm every time.

Men don’t read direction; they just jump in feet first and start putting stuff together. Although NASA will make sure they have all the equipment and instruments they’ll need to make this magic recipe of fuel to get back home, one of them will say they can just eyeball it and it will be just as good. Um… Hello! You’re not mixing up a baby bottle here. This really is rocket science. Screw this one up, and you’re not in the dog house. Oh no, you’re stuck on Mars forever or until  AAA  Roadside Assistance can get there with a gas can to get you going again. Thank goodness one of the guys had his card in the wallet he wasn’t supposed to bring on the trip.

Silly questions here. Isn’t Mars called “the red planet” because there is so much iron on the surface that it blows like dust clouds? If so, wouldn’t any water found there be “iron water” on top of being super salty making it pretty much impossible to drink? And wouldn’t all of these things in the water have to be calculated into the equation if they were ever going to try to use the water to make rocket fuel? See, rocket science. I rest my case.

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How Long Would It Take You To Become Intected From A Zombie Bite?

That’s right folks, it would take over an hour for the FatChick to become a zombie after being bitten. How long would it take you?

The Zombie Bite Calculator

Created by Oatmeal

You Must Be This Tall To Ride This Ride – Monday Giggle

And here’s why. You see, the Original Fat Chick isn’t exactly sober this morning. Oh, no, I haven’t been drinking. I’m on the wagon. And what I’ve been doing is perfectly legal, too. You see, I’m jazzed up on orange juice and flu medicine … the good stuff too … maximum strength cold and flu … only the best for my six or eight week creeping crud buddy, you know?

And here’s why it makes a difference that I’m not exactly flying straight this morning either. I finally have the answer no doctor has been able to give me. It’s the answer we’ve been digging and searching for about me for years. I tell you, this is a downright epiphany, people! And it all came about because I’m an almost instant human right now. Just add orange juice and flu medicine and wait for me to come alive. I’m a wild woman!

The great epiphany is why I am as large and in charge as I am. Now follow me on this ride if you can keep up because my brain can’t keep up with how fast my fingers are moving right now. First, take a look at this picture of me. I’ve used it in several places in the last few months, I don’t know why  I’m just noticing this, but I am. Anyway, the picture:

Picture of gorgeous redhead wearing skimpy bathing suit running through the surf on he beach at high tide in the sunset tossing a beach ball around. Not really, but you'd never know if I didn't tell you, LOL!

Yep, this is me, again. Would you believe I used to have three chins? Seriously, I did. Now I’m down to two.

Now, look closely, but not too closely because this one will be pretty obvious. You see, I am one of those people who believes that things have to be equal and even. It’s just the way I’m made. Well, take a look at the schnoz I’m honkin’ in that pic. Yeah, I’m talkin’ about that nose. I’ve seen nations living on smaller islands than that thing, I’m telling ya.

Here’s the thing. My body had to do something to even itself out with the size of that monster. My theory is that I wasn’t even conscious this was happening while it was happening, but my brain made up my mind that I had to gain enough weight to even my looks out to make up for the monstrous size of my nose staring everyone in the face. And if you look at this pic, I just might be on to something here.

If you look at things, my face is pretty symmetrical. I have a pretty good balance going on from top to bottom and side to side. Now, I have absolutely no control over my weight. I may gain 50 pounds in a month or lose 75 in a week. It all depends upon what my body decides it’s going to do. I am at its mercy. I have no say in matters whatsoever. Today everything I eat may taste so salty I can’t eat or drink anything but yogurt and sweet tea. Then tomorrow, everything might be so bitter I can only stomach a baked potato and a bottle of water. This body of mine really can’t make up my mind what I want and don’t want. It’s a wild ride, I tell ya.

So, what’s a Fat Chick to do? Every doctor and surgeon I’ve seen recently seems to believe I need gastric bypass surgery. Nah, I just need a good nose job. Is there a plastic surgeon in the house?

Life is short. If we can’t poke fun at ourselves, who can we poke fun at, and what right do we have to poke fun at others? That’s the way I see it anyway. Happy Monday!

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Rip ’em #MondayGiggle

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When Grandma read Fifty Shades – A poem by Granddad.

Tall Tale Tuesdays are usually all about books, but this week, It’s all about this little ditty I found this morning. I think we can all use a good laugh to start the day. Enjoy!

razorbackwriteraus

The missus bought a paperback

down Shepton Mallet way.

I had a look inside her bag;

T’was Fifty shades of Grey.

Well, I just left her to it,

and at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

the sight filled me with dread….

In her left she held a rope;

and in her right a whip!

She threw them down on the floor,

and then began to strip.

Well, Fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek.

But Mabel hasn’t weathered well

She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Mabel bump and grind,

could not have been much grimmer.

And then things went from bad to worse.

She toppled off her zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

a couple of minutes later.

She put her teeth back in and said

“I am a Dominator!”

Now if you knew our Mabel.

you’d see just why…

View original post 86 more words

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Meow! #MondayGiggle

A Hairy Situation #TallTaleTuesdays

This Tuesday I’m sharing a little something I wrote back when I fancied myself to be an unknown writer. I had several of these little super short stories written for inclusion in the book that never was. So now I’ll share them with you one at a time here. Who knows, maybe one of these days if enough people like my little silly posts I’ll work up the courage to publish Not Quite Middle Finger Normal

Sketch272205510My goal for the last several years has been to grow my red hair long enough to snatch back in a ponytail and go on with my life. I just brush, catch, wrap, and I’m ready to hit the road. Unfortunately, I found a flaw in my perfect little plan. I didn’t think about my dry hair and split ends.

What passes for my ponytail looks more like a pom-pom on steroids. That lustrous straight ponytail hanging perfectly in place I had envisioned for myself has turned into the largest ball of frizz in the universe. Seriously, this thing has its own gravity field. I mean, small moons and space junk orbit this thing. I’m sure there are little people living on the great red planet with satellite TV and wireless internet, which actually gives them better lives than I have in that department. I’m almost afraid to brush it out for fear of destroying life on their planet as they know it.

I also balk at washing my hair for the same reason. Well, that and I’m afraid I’m going to be electrocuted by the satellites when they get wet. I don’t have a choice, though, because my hair gets so dry if I don’t wash it, I’ll have to put a burn ban on the little guys. I’m pretty sure none of them are willing to leave the safety of their ponytail world just to make the hike all the way around my head and climb Mt. Killer-man-snot-wad to get a permit to burn anyway. I think of it like this, it rains on our planet and we make do, even with flooding and such. They should get the same enjoyment out of life we do. They already have it made back there, can’t make it too soft for them or they’ll never leave. Maybe next washing I’ll try flea shampoo. I’m telling you now; if I hear little screams when I use it, I’m calling my shrink.

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