And here’s why. You see, the Original Fat Chick isn’t exactly sober this morning. Oh, no, I haven’t been drinking. I’m on the wagon. And what I’ve been doing is perfectly legal, too. You see, I’m jazzed up on orange juice and flu medicine … the good stuff too … maximum strength cold and flu … only the best for my six or eight week creeping crud buddy, you know?
And here’s why it makes a difference that I’m not exactly flying straight this morning either. I finally have the answer no doctor has been able to give me. It’s the answer we’ve been digging and searching for about me for years. I tell you, this is a downright epiphany, people! And it all came about because I’m an almost instant human right now. Just add orange juice and flu medicine and wait for me to come alive. I’m a wild woman!
The great epiphany is why I am as large and in charge as I am. Now follow me on this ride if you can keep up because my brain can’t keep up with how fast my fingers are moving right now. First, take a look at this picture of me. I’ve used it in several places in the last few months, I don’t know why I’m just noticing this, but I am. Anyway, the picture:
Now, look closely, but not too closely because this one will be pretty obvious. You see, I am one of those people who believes that things have to be equal and even. It’s just the way I’m made. Well, take a look at the schnoz I’m honkin’ in that pic. Yeah, I’m talkin’ about that nose. I’ve seen nations living on smaller islands than that thing, I’m telling ya.
Here’s the thing. My body had to do something to even itself out with the size of that monster. My theory is that I wasn’t even conscious this was happening while it was happening, but my brain made up my mind that I had to gain enough weight to even my looks out to make up for the monstrous size of my nose staring everyone in the face. And if you look at this pic, I just might be on to something here.
If you look at things, my face is pretty symmetrical. I have a pretty good balance going on from top to bottom and side to side. Now, I have absolutely no control over my weight. I may gain 50 pounds in a month or lose 75 in a week. It all depends upon what my body decides it’s going to do. I am at its mercy. I have no say in matters whatsoever. Today everything I eat may taste so salty I can’t eat or drink anything but yogurt and sweet tea. Then tomorrow, everything might be so bitter I can only stomach a baked potato and a bottle of water. This body of mine really can’t make up my mind what I want and don’t want. It’s a wild ride, I tell ya.
So, what’s a Fat Chick to do? Every doctor and surgeon I’ve seen recently seems to believe I need gastric bypass surgery. Nah, I just need a good nose job. Is there a plastic surgeon in the house?
Life is short. If we can’t poke fun at ourselves, who can we poke fun at, and what right do we have to poke fun at others? That’s the way I see it anyway. Happy Monday!