Living large in Fatopia.

Posts tagged ‘random thoughts’

You Must Be This Tall To Ride This Ride – Monday Giggle

And here’s why. You see, the Original Fat Chick isn’t exactly sober this morning. Oh, no, I haven’t been drinking. I’m on the wagon. And what I’ve been doing is perfectly legal, too. You see, I’m jazzed up on orange juice and flu medicine … the good stuff too … maximum strength cold and flu … only the best for my six or eight week creeping crud buddy, you know?

And here’s why it makes a difference that I’m not exactly flying straight this morning either. I finally have the answer no doctor has been able to give me. It’s the answer we’ve been digging and searching for about me for years. I tell you, this is a downright epiphany, people! And it all came about because I’m an almost instant human right now. Just add orange juice and flu medicine and wait for me to come alive. I’m a wild woman!

The great epiphany is why I am as large and in charge as I am. Now follow me on this ride if you can keep up because my brain can’t keep up with how fast my fingers are moving right now. First, take a look at this picture of me. I’ve used it in several places in the last few months, I don’t know why  I’m just noticing this, but I am. Anyway, the picture:

Picture of gorgeous redhead wearing skimpy bathing suit running through the surf on he beach at high tide in the sunset tossing a beach ball around. Not really, but you'd never know if I didn't tell you, LOL!

Yep, this is me, again. Would you believe I used to have three chins? Seriously, I did. Now I’m down to two.

Now, look closely, but not too closely because this one will be pretty obvious. You see, I am one of those people who believes that things have to be equal and even. It’s just the way I’m made. Well, take a look at the schnoz I’m honkin’ in that pic. Yeah, I’m talkin’ about that nose. I’ve seen nations living on smaller islands than that thing, I’m telling ya.

Here’s the thing. My body had to do something to even itself out with the size of that monster. My theory is that I wasn’t even conscious this was happening while it was happening, but my brain made up my mind that I had to gain enough weight to even my looks out to make up for the monstrous size of my nose staring everyone in the face. And if you look at this pic, I just might be on to something here.

If you look at things, my face is pretty symmetrical. I have a pretty good balance going on from top to bottom and side to side. Now, I have absolutely no control over my weight. I may gain 50 pounds in a month or lose 75 in a week. It all depends upon what my body decides it’s going to do. I am at its mercy. I have no say in matters whatsoever. Today everything I eat may taste so salty I can’t eat or drink anything but yogurt and sweet tea. Then tomorrow, everything might be so bitter I can only stomach a baked potato and a bottle of water. This body of mine really can’t make up my mind what I want and don’t want. It’s a wild ride, I tell ya.

So, what’s a Fat Chick to do? Every doctor and surgeon I’ve seen recently seems to believe I need gastric bypass surgery. Nah, I just need a good nose job. Is there a plastic surgeon in the house?

Life is short. If we can’t poke fun at ourselves, who can we poke fun at, and what right do we have to poke fun at others? That’s the way I see it anyway. Happy Monday!

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Why do people say they want to hear the truth, but when you tell them…

Why do people say they want to hear the truth, but when you tell them, they say you're just being a bitch?

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A Not So #WordlessWednesday

Why Wordless Wednesday

#ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm Tangerine Juice?

Sitting here eating a tangerine when this occurred to me. Just one of those things that makes you go hmmm (or make me go hmmm at least, lol).

What makes you wonder or just go hmmm? Let me know in the comments. I love hearing what folks have to say 🙂

But Is It A Sport?

johnny_automatic_golf_as_billiards

I’ve seen a lot of sports on television in my time and I can’t help but wonder who decides what kind of game is really a sport. I realize there are a lot of “sports only” channels now that we have cable and satellite television, and the good old basic channels still want their cut of advertising and viewership from airing sporting events like they always have. This makes the pickings pretty slim when it comes to filling airtime and they’re trying to sneak some things in on us that just are not sports.

Just because you wear shirts that are the same color with the same logo and your name on them as a uniform does not mean your game is a sport. For instance, let’s look at bowling. Any game that encourages you to rent the equipment needed for playing it, doesn’t qualify as a sport. Even though you may be more at risk than other players about getting athlete’s foot because you must wear shoes that thousands of other people have had on their feet and never washed (the shoes, not the feet although it may apply to both), that still doesn’t make it a sport.

I know before I say it that this is not going to be very popular but it is the truth. Golf is not a sport. Now hear me out before you throw that rotten tomato at me. When your favorite pastime can be played in a cow pasture using a stick to knock a rock into a gopher hole, I’m sorry boys and girls, but that just is not a sport and should be dropped from the list. All types of billiards and pool matches are off the list for the same reason, although you might at least get a little muddy while lying on your stomach to play these in the pasture. Also, by my definition, anything you “shoot” that doesn’t actually involve the firing of a gun is not a sport.

Any game you can play when you are falling down drunk and still stand a good chance of winning is not a sport. Throwing darts is a great example of this. I know of several bars and pubs that have regularly scheduled dart tournaments, in part to bring in a bigger drinking crowd. And if you actually play the game better when you’re as drunk as Cooter Brown on a warp-wheeled bicycle, there is no way you’re playing a sport, even if they do televise it.

I’m going up to channel 14,763. I believe the International Thumb Wrestling finals are about to start and I don’t want to miss it!

What is the most obscure or outrageous thing you’ve ever heard called a sport? Let me know in the comments below.

One of Those Days

This Space 4 Rent

Have you ever just had one of those days when it seems like there is nothing between your ears but air? That’s the kind of day I’m having here in The Land of Confusion. I sit down to get started on something and BAM!  A light flashes, a butterfly drifts past, a T-Rex tries to grab my yogurt and my concentration is shot. Even working from my trusty To Do list with the alarms on my phone and tablet (Yes, it takes both of them. Don’t judge me.) aren’t working for me today. I have to keep checking to see what the alarms are for and the list keeps making a break for it trying to get out the door!

So, here I sit with a crapload of stuff to get done and not enough brain to get it done with. Might as well rent out the empty space between my ears and make some extra cash for Christmas. Any takers?

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Dear Math

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